One Small Step. A family friend came into the store a couple weeks ago and recognized me instantly. At first, her expression was that of any proper person bumping into someone they knew--an initial surprise and then a feeling of reunited comradeship. Then, like any other reunion, she wanted to "catch up on things." A barrage of questions that expanded from "when did you graduate" to "are you married yet" to "what are you doing know".  And, oh, how i loathe the latter question! Although i hold the highest respect for anyone in my position and all positions alike, when i answer that question an unintentional squeak of shame laces through my words. Personally, i consider this a mediocre career according to the moral standards i've learned and advocated. So when i answered her, a successful nurse supporting two children, that i worked at the store she was shopping in one of those unexpectedly disappointed looks surfaced under her bright smile. and to make matters worse, she was one of those frank filipino ladies that just curtly told you what she thought. "Why not nursing, Michelle? You're mom's a nurse." Right now i'm making one of those faces where your eyes show no emotion and ur lips are firmly pressed together unintentionally creating dimples while subtly nodding ur head; not necessarily agreeing to what she is saying just...nodding. well, needless to say, after my graceful encounter, i decided to commit myself to finding a career that i wasn't ashamed of. So, I bought several books and test prep materials and requested information from various graduate schools. I even applied to a few government jobs as well as received a few calls back, mainly from hiring agencies though.
One Giant Leap. Still waiting for that moment...
after a sincere conversation at "home", i realized that maybe this career path isn't so shameful after all. maybe the reasoning behind what i think is shameful is that i envisioned myself to be doing exactly what i am doing now but in a totally different setting with a totally different purpose. and whatever that may be is something yet to be defined. my current career path may be a bit shallow because the image standards they implement but it is a good start for any recent grad. i also realized that i'm chasing one too many goals. in one hand there is brand auditing and in the other there is community organizer. In addition, i am contemplating on taking the GRE (graduate record exam). I have begun to prepare for the exam however i'm not fully sure what exactly i'm preparing for. i really do find myself at a crossroads. if i take one path it will eventually lead me to a dream job and if i take the other path ...it will lead me to another dream job. i know it's kind of a win win situation...however, my dilemma is again a barrage of unavoidable questions: which dream job do i want the most? which dream job is right for me? which dream job am i ready to take on? is there a way to bring these two dreams together? how long will it take me to get to where i want to be?

maybe i dream too much.

still got that post grad "i'm capable of anything" fervor.....i suppose.

chellin.

to inspire. for $7, i had bought a small brown journal from target. blank pages have always excited me. even when i was in 2nd grade; i remember the first day of school i opened my 5 subject wide rule notebook to the first page anxiously writing my name and the date as perfect as i could. something about filling the empty pages with my own words, my own thoughts, my own story thrilled me. in middle school i began to record my surroundings; writing just one or two words that described whatever i saw. i wanted people to read my writings. so, i would purposely leave my journal lying around for people to read and also contribute to what they read. everyone who read these random thoughts of mine loved it. in high school, i kept a composition close by and this time i included illustrations and clippings to my writings. i wrote so much that i even got in trouble for it. it was during a religion class my junior year. we were asked to meditate and relax...to close our eyes and imagine the face of Jesus. yes, i went to an all girls catholic high school. i meditated for awhile but then opened my eyes and started writing. my journal was taken away from me and, with tears in my eyes, i had to ask the school's guidance counselor for it back. through college i had my blog where i usually expressed the part of my life when i was absolutely confused and melancholy. and now, i have my $7 small brown journal from target. occasionally, when i have an urge to purge thoughts out of me and on to paper, i'll collect those thoughts in my small brown book. but the majority of those pages have become 'to do' lists and random lists.

number one fan. i'm my own number one fan!

meeshell

Day Dreaming. i just caught myself staring into the window shades of my breakfast nook, getting lost in the repetitive parallel lines streaking across illuminated rectangles. one thought after another, never completes itself, but only rotates to the next interconnected thought. for instance, my first thought would be breakfast and how important it is to our body, then my thoughts rotate to a memory of me reading an article that discussed the importance of breakfast energizing me through out the day. my rotating thoughts then lead me to my bedroom extracurricular activities and how energy is always borderline-ing the "E" mark on my fuel gauge. AH! so frustrating! then, my next thought go on about how frustrated i am...so ridiculously frustrated i am. and at the same time my thoughts try to find a reason, a scapegoat, a cure for my frustration. rotating back to the blinds racing across the windows....i wake up.

Disappearing, Reappearing. as if my thoughts were erratic so is everything else in life. my drive seems to spike then fall...and sometimes it just appears to be content. oh being content is horrible. relaxing but mundane. am i a fast pace person? i'm adventurous. yes! oh am i! my form of relaxation is sleeping. and even then my dreams take on vivid images of wild incoherent stories. i always want more.

me Chellin